THIS IS FROM one of your classmates, from the last assignment. I chose it as an example of a well written (short) essay.
READ IT AND COMMENT: is there something you can learn from this in terms of APPROACH, STYLE, STRUCTURE (not information). How does it compare to your essay on the same topic?
In today's world a mistake made
by a member of a group or tribe represents the entire tribe. The same goes for
the Pashtuns. They are seen worldwide as terrorists, although terrorism is not
the work of a single tribe or religion. They are portrayed as violent and
illiterate extremists. In the media the mention of the Pashtuns comes side by
side with the Taliban and they are almost perceived as one and the same thing.
They are also considered to be generally dimwitted and there are many jokes
about them being truck drivers. To most people the Pashtuns are a hot headed,
dumb, impulsive race of terrorists who are good for nothing.
[And if you don't know who the Pashtuns are, hurry to find out].
The Pashtuns themselves
however, take a lot of pride in being Pashtuns. They think of themselves as a
warm, loving and loyal people. They are very brave and passionate and that may
be the reason they come off to others as violent. The Pashtuns are also very
hospitable and friendly. At the start of the area of the Pashtuns in Pakistan
there is a sign that reads, "Welcome to the land of hospitality". The
Pashtuns believe in Islam and all the good it teaches. They are very family
oriented and generous and try their best to help their less fortunate family
members. They are very firm in their decisions and beliefs which to others
seems too strict. But the Pashtuns never let any of this get to them and are
still proud to be called Pashtuns.
One thing that I can learn from this persons essay is that their answer is very straight-forward. There isn't alot of run around and this student answers the question directly in a very structured manner. I think these are some positive component when I compare it to my own essay. I feel like organization and answering the question directly is something that I need to work on for future assignments.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I can take away from this persons writing is that they get to the point right away. They doesn't go around in circles when trying to explain something and stays on topic. Their paragraphs are well organized and structured.
ReplyDeleteThe paragraphs are well structured and followed by transition sentences. It is easy to identify the overall point and this style of writing does not go into other tangents.
ReplyDeleteWhen I compare this answer to mine, I see this example has more structure. I will be able to write a more organized response now.
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ReplyDeleteThis short essay taught me that one way to write a short essay is by writing a paragraph for each side of the argument. This structure is good for getting the points across by splitting them in two as opposed to exploring them together. This format uses an example which helps with splitting it into two sides.
ReplyDeleteAn important thing I took away from this essay was to erase the fluff from my essays and be thorough with the points I'm trying to make. I feel like every sentence is stating something valuable to her overall point, compared to my essays I certainly have more "fluff" that could be taken out.
ReplyDeleteSomething I can learn from this essay is the use of structure. The author described at first what others think of the topic and then the approach that the group of people think of themselves. This helps give the readers a better picture of what the author is explaining. The structure of the essay was appropriately divided into two paragraphs. The first explained the negative points of view on the topic and the second paragraph explained the good qualities on the topic.
ReplyDeleteThis compares to my essay on the same topic because we are both confident in our tribe but we both show the good qualities to our tribe instead of what others think of my tribe as bad.
This answer is concise, descriptive, and informative. From start to finish there are no unnecessary points made. The author was also very eloquent. Compared to mine, I wish I was more organized.
ReplyDeleteThe work written by my classmate is very clear and straight forward to the point. The writer also did a really good job putting out points in order from beginning to the end, ending with a point where they were heading.
ReplyDeleteI was able to learn from this that the style of the essay has an effect on the overall message. The way the Pashtuns were represented in this essay gave the reader a general understanding of who this tribe is. I was not aware of who the Pashtuns were per say, but I was able to grasp a very detailed understanding based on the style and detail the author presented. When describing a tribe, the tribe shown should be explained in a full detail so the reader can grasp who the essay is about.
ReplyDeleteCompared to my essay on the same topic, this essay compares greatly. Where I failed to include sufficient detail of my tribe, this author painted a picture that was very clear to understand. In the essay that I wrote, the parts that should have been in detail were presented as being very vague.
I like how the author gets straight to the point about what he's talking about. the structure is very good.He/She states his her claim and supports it with information and examples. I'm going to try to adjust my writing to be more straight forward and clearly state what I want my reader to understand from the essay.
ReplyDeleteThe writer of this essay organized everything in a clear and concise manner. Their points are covered evenly in two separate paragraphs, and they do not ramble.
ReplyDeleteIn my case, I felt that I attempted to cover my points well enough but may have added more personal connections than were necessary.
I like how the writer of this essay approaches the topic. In the first paragraph the stereotypes are foretold. The writer then transitions into the next paragraph where the writer's true feelings of the Pashtuns are presented. The first paragraph feels negative while the second positive. The whole piece feels quite poetic.
ReplyDeletethe writer made a clear point in the first paragraph. media play a major role in this society and that makes people see the world differently, Stereotype is in everything and everywhere. I do not know what The Pashtuns are but am sure if i google it, i would see what the media portrayed them to be not what they really are. so i would say thank you.
ReplyDelete